Karen, Interrupted
by RubysArms
Summary: Coming back from a failed suicide attempt, Karen realizes who is really there for her and everything she might have missed. Still struggling with depression, she battles life, experiences love, and learns she can't take this second chance for granted...
1. Fucking Hospitals

Its been a week since my failed suicide attempt. I'm feeling alright. My life hasn't changed drastically like I assumed it would. Well, frankly, I didn't expect I'd live. I replayed over and over again how I thought it would go. I pictured myself in my room, counting out the pills. Fifty would do it, maybe sixty. I would take them as fast as I could manage because if I thought about it too much I could back out. If I slowed down I might only get twenty or so in which would just damage my kidney's instead of shutting down the amusement park all together.

I didn't want to take my normal drugs. Aspirin would do it. Aspirin just seemed more glamorous to me for some reason. I don't feel like explaining really.

I'm not sure why I called Grace. I don't really remember dialing the numbers or even picking up the phone, but I remember her voice, her quaking voice trying to be as calm as possible. "Karen," she said. "You need to call an ambulance, I'll be there as soon as I can." It hadn't even dawned on me that I should call an ambulance. I didn't realize what I had done was wrong. It felt right. It was on an impulse. The real suicide attempts are well thought out and intricate and stable. Mine was just a whim that I followed, an itch I scratched.

"911, what's your emergency?" said the voice on the other end. I remained quiet for a bit. "Hello?" said the voice. "Yes, I need an ambulance," I said finally. I couldn't even hear my voice, my ears were ringing, by heart was racing. I was used to being high, but this was nothing like that, this was intense, this wasn't a good high, it was horrifying. The ambulance arrived about the same time as Grace. As the paramedics stormed upstairs and busted in my door, I pretended to be asleep because I felt stupid. I didn't want them to come get me, I wanted to die. I was getting pissed off now. I wanted them to just get out and let me sleep. I'd be fine. "Go away, I was just kidding, you, you have to leave me now." I said, barely.

Rosie was in the doorway with her hand over her mouth, "Why did you do this Miss Karen?" she asked almost angrily. I just ignored her. Grace's face appeared in the ambulance. I looked over and said, "Grace when did you get here?" She didn't reply, she just held my hand. She gripped it tight and I think it hurt but I didn't want her to loosen her grip even for a second. I think my hand would've fallen off if she let go.

We went into the emergency room and nurses were casually chatting, I could hear them. Grace still hadn't let go of my hand. I wouldn't open my eyes but I heard everything around me. "Liz are you and Trisha going to lunch?" asks one of the nurses. How dare they be so casual when I'm sitting here fucking dying! "Okay, Karen? Can you wake up for me?" said a female's voice. "Karen we need to ask you a few questions, alright?"

I opened my eyes but not very cooperatively. I opened one half way and put on a very uninterested face, as best I could manage. "Karen what did you take?" she asked. I didn't feel like answering. Grace tapped my hand, "tell the lady what you took Kare," she said evenly. "About fifty aspirin." I replied frankly. "Okay," said the girl. 'Yeah dumb ass,' I thought. "And why did you take it?" she asks. "I had a headache." I reply.

"Okay, Karen things are going to go a lot easier here if you're honest with me, okay? You consumed quite a bit of aspirin so we're going to have to do one of two things. A: we'll get your stomach pumped or B: you're going to have to drink some charcoal. We're calling poison control right now and they're going to get back to us. We got a nice room for you and we're going to put you there in a few minutes."

Grace's hand was cold. Mine was sweaty and clammy. Fuck, I thought. Why did I bother calling the damn ambulance? Different people in the hospital swarmed around. There were what felt like millions of bustling people congregating and dispersing around this infamous nurse's station and it was driving me completely insane. My head had a pulse and all I could hear was muffled chatter and a ringing that was making me eyes sore.

I got wheeled into the room. A nurse came in and slapped a bracelet on my wrist. It had all of my information. Another bracelet was put on to warm them of my allergy to penicillin. Grace was still by my side. I think maybe a half hour passed. Two nurses came in together with some tubes of this black liquid. "Okay, Karen? We just got off the phone with poison control and we're going to have to give you some charcoal." I sat up. "What's it taste like?" I ask. "Not too good," says one of the nurses.

"We're going to pour some into a cup and see if you can just drink it, but if you can't, we're going to have to stick a tube down your nose and into your stomach and we'll pump it in." The cocky bitch didn't sound to empathetic, although her assistant gave me sad looks of pity. I didn't really appreciate either. I appreciated Grace though, I felt her next to me, worriedly watching my every move.

I spit the nasty liquid right back out more than twice. It tasted like sugary dirt. "Okay, you're wasting it so we're going to have to put the tube down your nose." They tried it the first time and before they got passed my nose I pulled it out. They told me to take a really deep breath and try to swallow it. I pulled it out again. They put the straps on the side of the bed around my wrists and they tied down my feet and shoved it down. I started to scream and cry. Grace had to step out when the phlebotomist came to draw blood. They got all of the charcoal down but within the next eight hours I threw it all back up. They finally took the tube out of my nose. My whole mouth was black from failed attempts to drink it. My nose was bleeding from the fucking tube and I couldn't stand or feel my legs.

I was in hell. I died and went to hell, that was the only explanation for something like this. Grace helped me take off my clothes and tie on the gown. I kept shaking violently. I can't even tell you what the next ten hours were like waiting in the emergency room. It was hell. Grace was there the entire time. They were going to transfer me to a different hospital where they could monitor me constantly for the next who knows how long. We waited for what felt like forever. I fell asleep with wires and tubes coming out of me around 5 in the morning.

The next few days was just me being in the hospital. It was boring. I watched TV, I talked with nurses. I couldn't be trusted alone so I had what they called a "sitter" who stayed with me constantly, even when I went to the bathroom I had to keep the door cracked.

I felt ashamed of myself. I couldn't even remember what had gotten so bad that I was willing to die. Will and Jack came and visited me on the second day. They put on their worried smiles and gave me flowers, (or as I like to call them, poor people's jewelry.) I liked them though, I stared at them instead of watching another episode of Reba.

A psychiatrist came in to talk to me on the third day.


	2. Home Sweet Home

"Karen my name is Dr. Lampaign and I just want to ask you a few questions, and you have to answer honestly, okay?"

I hated when they talked down to me, like I was some child who just got her tonsils out. "Yeah whatever." I replied. "Why did you take the pills?" he asks. "I wanted to die." He wrote something down and asked another, "Yes, but something had to happen that particular day to set you off, what was it? You don't just go home and take fifty aspirin there has to be SOMETHING."

I looked at him again. "No, there wasn't, I've been thinking about it a long time now and I just picked that day." He changed the subject quickly, "Do you have friends, Karen? Do you have people you hang out with and talk to?"

"Yeah I have my three best friends, Grace, Jack and Will." I smiled when I said their names because I hadn't seen them in awhile and I was hoping they were coming to visit me today. "And out of those people, is there one of them you can talk to? One who you confide in?" I hated how he rephrased every question like six times. Ugh I imagined his stupid pencil going in his eye. "Well, I suppose I'm closest to Grace, but Jack and me are together more. What does this have anything to do with what happened?"

He asked more questions but I tuned him out and answered them simply so it didn't require much thought. I was hoping Grace would walk in at any minute. I was thinking about her more and more lately. My thoughts didn't make sense anymore, not even to me. My head spun with every movement I made.

They wanted to put me in the psyche ward, but I would have none of that. I didn't think I'd try suicide again, and I told them all that I would never even think about it. I got signed out AMA (against medical advice) so my insurance didn't cover my stay… like it mattered. I wasn't allowed to go back to the manse alone, not even with 30 people on my staff. So Jack offered to let me stay with him. Grace and Will asked too, but I wasn't about to kick Grace out of her bed.

The first night out of the hospital was kind of weird. I wasn't really interested in being outside in my hospital room, so everything seemed really bright. Grace seemed even more beautiful than ever when she got out of the car to help me with my things. I was required to be taken down to the entrance in a wheel chair. I kept standing up and the nurse would say, "Karen, you have to sit down until you get to the door." When I saw Grace I jumped out, but the nurse just laughed. While me and Grace embraced I heard her say to Will, "It doesn't make sense, she looks so happy with everything." Will didn't say anything back. I pretended not to hear and I jumped into Jack's arms.

I still didn't want to look weak but I couldn't help but hug my friends.

I tossed and turned on Jack's couch. Me and Jack argued for nearly an hour over who would have the least trouble sleeping on the couch…I threatened to sleep in the hall and he finally agreed to taking his bed. I now regretted my stubbornness. He made me promise I wouldn't try to kill myself. He said, "I just cleaned this floor, I don't want to be cleaning off any blood!" I laughed at this, and promised I'd be up in the morning for some of Jacque's famous Eggo's. I glanced at the clock… 12:07. I looked at the ceiling and started counting the cracks. There were twelve. Well, I guess eleven, because one kind of broke off into two…I think it counts. I got up to get a drink of water at 12:42. I decided there were definitely thirteen cracks in Jackie's ceiling at 1:18. At 1:50 I decided I hated my pillow and I threw it on the floor. At 2:12 I was in the hallway creeping towards Will and Grace's. I was afraid Jack would be worried about me when he woke up, but I took my blanket with me, that should hint him towards Grace's.

I took Jack's key labeled 'Will and Grace'. I tried to be as quiet as possible. My blanket was wrapped around my shoulders and it trailed behind. I opened the door, and Will was on the couch reading. "Karen?" he whispered. "Are you alright?"

"Oh yeah honey, I'm fine, Jack's couch is just awful, ya mind if I crash here?" He smiled and offered his bed, but I told him I was just planning to crawl in with Gracie. As I went down the hall he stopped me. I turned back and he stood up.

He walked towards me with open arms, "Hey Wilma, just because I tried to off myself doesn't mean we're…" He hugged me. Tightly.

I felt tears rushing to the surface…where they are never supposed to go. He let go and I said… "Friends."

"I know we're not best friends Karen, but you mean something to me. I wouldn't have forgiven myself if you died that night." I looked at him, trying to be light, "Oh Will, it wouldn't have been your fault, you couldn't have blamed yourself."

"I see you. I see you hurt, and I never really say anything, or ask you if you're alright, I always figure you'll come to us when you need something. That thought, that would have been hanging over my head. I'd never get over you…"

He hugged me again and this time I hugged back. "Gosh, you queens love your dramatic moments," I said wiping some tears away as discretely as possible. He kissed my cheek, "Night Miss Walker."

Grace was sprawled over the entire bed. I lifted her left arm and put it over my shoulder and snuggled next to her. She stirred and kind of looked up. "Will?" she asks. "Shh, its just me, go back to bed honey." I said brushing a piece of hair away from her face.

I wasn't sure how many cracks were in Grace's ceiling, I was only concerned about her arm staying around my waist the entire night.

God it was good to be home.


	3. Another You

"Karen are you coming?" asks Jack.

"Just a second!" I call from the bathroom. I'm holding a rag over my bleeding arm. It isn't too bad, nothing to be worried about. I know how deep to cut. The razor is carelessly on the floor. Three insignificant drops of blood are on the white tile. I had stopped cutting until I saw a menacing shard of glass sitting on Jack's mantle from a broken ash tray. I promised myself nothing big…(meaning nothing noticeable.) But as always, I get carried away. So I was stuck wearing long sleeves for a week, until it basically looked like scars.

No one noticed. I didn't even need the long sleeves, really. I was so used to having marks on me, I learned how to manipulate my arm so the ugly part was never showing. Things were going good back home. I had to see a psychiatrist twice a week, and a psychologist every other week.

Jack called my name again and I just started crying. I tried to be as quiet as possible. I stood up and my hair was slightly disarrayed and my makeup was no longer perfect. This frustrated me immensely so I took a full swing at the wall. The wall hurt me more than I hurt him. Bastard. I reapplied my mascara and lipstick, rolled down my sleeve, brushed my hair flat, put on a smile and came out of the bathroom. "What was that noise?" asked Jack, sounding alarmed. "Oh just dropped my makeup bag, honey. Are you ready?"

We were meeting Will and Grace for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. "Let's go," I said sweetly, motioning to the door.

I sat between Will and Jack, Grace sat across from me at the table. I sipped my glass of wine. Jack had been really good about keeping me off alcohol, just for my own good, and because I wasn't supposed to take it with the meds that I was supposed to be taking…

But he didn't catch me and I didn't say anything. I rubbed my arm and Will kind of looked down and I pretended to fold my hands. We caught each others eye and I said, "So Grace, I'm coming back to work tomorrow! Aren't you thrilled? Didn't you miss me?"

She reached over to grab my hands and I reached too and my sleeve came up a bit, revealing the edge of a cut. Will definitely was onto me. He shot me a vexed glance and I excused myself to the bathroom. I wet a paper towel and locked the first bathroom stall and wiped the blood off. It stained my gray shirt on the inside, but the mark on the outside was hardly noticeable unless you knew it was there… Will. He was smarter than he looked. Damned Will and his college education!

I hurried out of the bathroom and ran right into college boy. "Will, uh,"

He grabbed my arm and flipped it over. "Kare…" he said. Wow just enough to make me feel incredibly guilty. I didn't mind hurting myself…and I pretended not to mind hurting others…but ouch, the disappointed Will stares were a stab in the chest.

"Sweetie, why are you doing this? You have to stop hurting yourself, you're hurting everyone who loves you. We've gone through so much for you and this is how you repay us?"

"Will, I'm sorry, I-"

"I see the way you look at her."

"Beg your pardon?"

"Don't play dumb. Grace. I see the way you look at her." I had no idea what he was talking about, so I continued to play dumb. "You really don't see how beautiful you are, do you..?" I looked at my feet and back up to him. "God Karen, if you saw what we see…just once, just one time, you'd realize how much its _killing _us to see you like this."

Ugh, he had me in tears once more. I can't cry in front of people so I made a smooth exit back into the bathroom. After reapplying, I walked back out with a fake smile plastered on my face.

"Hey, you alright?" asks Grace. I just smile and nod and out of the corner of my eye, I see will take a large sip of his wine.

They continue their small talk and anecdotes and I replay Will's words over and over in my head. I still laugh at the proper times even if I didn't hear the joke, I even lean forward when I assume the topic is meant to be interesting. I'm not with them though, I'm back with what Will said. "I see the way you look at her."

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Me? Grace? He must've broken into my stash because that's the most ridiculous thing since people thought cargo shorts were "in". I mean, what made him think I could go for Grace Adler? Look at the girl's wardrobe! Her hair is such a disaster the red cross wouldn't give it coffee!! God she had the prettiest smile though. And when she left? I had to hold onto something because I couldn't help but swoon. Huh. I didn't like Grace. More importantly…Grace didn't like me. So there was no point to even think about this any further.

That night I decided to stay on Jack's rickety couch and count the thirteen cracks in the ceiling even more thoroughly. It turned out one wasn't a crack at all, but I string of Hershey's Syrup that never got cleaned off after Jack's 'Happy Birthday Idina Menzel!' party. I had to reevaluate the entire ceiling! But it was okay, because it kept be occupied until I eventually passed out on the rug around 3:11 am.

I tried to avoid all of my rich socialite acquaintances. I couldn't manage being fake anymore. I just hung around my three friends. I hardly left the apartment building besides for work.

Although I missed my old life, things were easier without it all. I was still loaded, but I didn't spend any money. I didn't need to. I was still sad. I guess everyone is sad, but this was like a chronic issue. I laughed, and joked and genuinely smiled, but that isn't happiness. Happiness is an ongoing thing and obtaining happiness is an ongoing battle.

Love is strong. Love can do miracles. I had been searching for love in all the wrong places, when I didn't even have to. Love was right here, I just wasn't willing accept it. I still wasn't. Will kissed my cheek every night before I went to bed. Grace took time out of her busy day to take me to lunch and talk with me and Jack and I watched 'Oprah' every morning at 9.

For so long I wasn't willing to have an ordinary life. I wasn't willing to settle down and just be happy with what I had. When you eventually give in, you realize it truly is easier. But I still wasn't willing to give up on my dreams, and certainly not on love…not yet.

I came up from the laundry room. I was carrying a huge hamper full of clothes and I just opened Grace's room without knocking. I couldn't even see over the top of my load. I just heard, "Karen! Get out! I'm changing!" I dropped the basket and clothes fell on the floor and I couldn't help but peek…

Oh my god.

I shook off my shocked, not to mention impressed look, and turned for the door. I made it back to the kitchen and my mind took in everything. Huh… maybe Will was right. I mean, seeing Stan naked never did anything for me, but I mean…he was 2 tons of sausage. But thinking back, seeing guys naked never really did anything for me, not like seeing Grace just did.

I shook my head though. I pushed all of the sweet thoughts out of my head. Maybe, if I was lucky, I'd find a pretty girl that looked just like Grace, because she wasn't an option for me. Gosh poor girl, now I know how it feels to be in love with you're best friend who doesn't play for your team.

I chuckled to myself and got some chocolate milk out of the fridge.


	4. The I Like You But Speech

The next day at work I spun around in my swivel chair, waiting for Grace to come back in from wherever she went. I didn▓t pay much attention to her words while her lips were moving, they were too beautiful to have my concentration broken. I was hungry so I went and opened Grace▓s desk drawer, where she kept all of the cookies and junk food. I picked out some Oreos and sat back down at my desk. 

Where was she?

I looked at the clock and only about 20 minutes had passed. What was I going to do until she came back? I needed SOMETHING to pass all of this time. I opened every drawer in my desk, hoping to find something mildly entertaining. 

My drawers were pretty empty every since Jack and Grace came and cleaned out all of my ⌠snacks■. 

I pulled the top of my drawer out and saw a little baggy of cocaine that they forgot to remove. It was tempting but I put it back in its little hiding place. The door opened and I slammed the drawer shut. It was Will. ⌠Hey honey,■ I said trying to sound inconspicuous. ⌠Hey Kare, where▓s Grace?■ 

⌠Oh she went out to get..something┘shoes? I don▓t know. She▓ll be back in a little. Why what▓s up?■ 

Hey sighed. ⌠Nothing really, just was wondering if she wanted to catch dinner with me, she is always here so late these days.■

I nodded. I then wondered why they never came and asked if they wanted me to catch dinner with them. Probably because they thought I wouldn▓t want to. 

⌠Well, Will, Grace seemed pretty crazy all day, and I don▓t mean like usual, I mean like busy.■ He laughed. ⌠So if you want, I▓ll keep you company. My last break was almost five minutes ago!■ 

He smiled at me and said, ⌠I▓d love for you to keep me company, Karen.■

I grabbed my things and we were out the door. 

We sat down at a dimly lit pizza parlor. 

We talked about small things and work and other mundane facts. But then he sat back and was quiet for a minute. ⌠Karen, there is something I have to tell you.■ 

I didn▓t know what to expect. Maybe another crazy accusation of being in love with his sexless wife. ⌠I don▓t know how to put this delicately, so I▓m just going to say it.■ he exhaled deeply. 

⌠Karen, I▓m in love with you.■ 

What did he say? He▓s insane. Did he have to much wine?

⌠I▓m not insane, I didn▓t have too much wine┘although that helps┘I mean it Karen. Ever since I met you, there▓s something about you that just makes my heart race. I can▓t explain it. You walk into a room and I just smile.■

I can▓t believe I▓m hearing this. He was always so mean to me!

⌠I know I was always mean to you, I know you were at the butt of many of my lame jokes, but I was just trying to distract myself from how much I cared about you.■

⌠Oh, well I▓m glad it made you feel better, because it made me feel like shit.■ I told him bluntly. ⌠God Karen, I▓m so sorry, I didn▓t know what I was doing.■ 

He looked down. He wouldn▓t look me in the eye. ⌠When I heard what had happened to you, you have no idea the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. I couldn▓t imagine life without you, even if we▓re not together the way I▓ve always wanted.■ 

He shook his head and looked at me desperately.

⌠Have you ever lost someone you thought you couldn▓t live without?■

I felt tears coming. Uncontrollably. 

⌠Look, Karen, the only reason I see you looking at Grace, is because I▓m always looking at you.■

I was shocked I didn▓t know what to say. ⌠Uh, excuse me,■ I got up and made it to the bathroom. I splashed some water on my face and stared at myself a minute. Who was I? 

I snuck out the back door. I went to the manse. I couldn▓t go back to Will and Grace▓s. Not now. 

The sky had been cloudy all day but it started to drizzle as I fumbled for my keys. 

Thunder rumbled as I threw my purse on the counter. 

Some maids came in at once laughing. They saw me and said, ⌠Mrs. Walker, um, I didn▓t know you were coming home today,■ 

They expected me to yell at them. I just shook my head and said, ⌠well, I am.■

I didn▓t feel like yelling. I felt like freaking out. I went upstairs and tossed my coat on the chair. I rubbed my hands on my face and breathed deeply. My breathing got harder. What did he say to me? I▓m dreaming. I▓m dreaming. Why won▓t I wake up. This is a big deal. No its not. Its not a big deal, everything will be okay. I▓ll just tell him I can▓t. I can▓t, right? No I couldn▓t I?

Ugh all of these thoughts aren▓t doing me any good. I have to calm down I have to calm down. 

I go to the medicine cabinet and see emptiness. No it can▓t be empty. I need something to calm me down. 

I remember Jack and Grace threw all of my souvenirs away. I remember that. I also remember that hit of cocaine in my desk drawer at work. Yeah, that▓s what I can do. I won▓t get addicted. Just one hit to calm me down that▓s all I need. That will be okay. 

I grab my coat and hurry downstairs. ⌠Miss Karen you▓re leaving so soon?■ says one of the maids. I just grab my keys, ⌠yeah,■ I say and I leave. I shut the door behind me. 

I grab a cab and tell him where to go. He isn▓t going fast enough. ⌠Can you hurry? I▓m kind of in a rush.■ I tell him. ⌠I▓m goin as fast as I can lady,■ he snaps back at me. 

I get out of the cab and go up the elevator. I grab the right key eventually and push it into the lock and shove the door open. 

My shaking hands open the desk drawer and I pour the powder on a piece of paper and make it into a line with my credit card. I take two hits and look up to see Grace leaning on the door frame to the swatch room. 

⌠Grace. What are you doing here?■ I say frantically. 

Grace laughs a little, ⌠I▓d ask you the same question if it weren▓t so obvious what you were here for.■ She shook her head at me. 

I felt terrible. 

⌠Grace I can explain, I just,■ I didn▓t know how to finish that sentence. 

⌠Karen, I don▓t know what I▓m supposed to do with you. I really don▓t. We get you clean, we let you move in we do all of this stuff for you. We want you to get better, we want you to be clean, but do you? Because it seems like you could care less.■ 

⌠Grace, please don▓t give up on me.■ 

⌠You▓re giving up on yourself.■ 

⌠I love you,■ I say unintentionally. 

⌠I love you too, but Kare,■ ⌠No Grace, I love you. I▓m, I▓m in love with you Gracie.■ She looks at me. I try to read her expression but its hard. I can▓t tell whether she is mad, sad, or relieved? I don▓t know. I am quiet. I mean, what do you say after something like that? ▒I like your shoes?▓ No┘ I▓m just quiet. 

⌠Karen┘I don▓t know what to say to that. I mean, I▓m straight, and┘you are too, right? I mean, we can▓t do something like that. I love our friendship. I don▓t think I▓m willing to sacrifice that.■ 

She gave the ▒I like you, but,▓ speech. I was used to it. I had given it plenty of times. It sucks to be on the receiving end. I stood up and headed for the door. I had nothing else to say. ⌠Karen don▓t go,■ she says. But I just put my arm up implying that I needed to be left alone. I walked out the door and slammed it behind me. 

I went back to the manse. I REALLY couldn▓t go back to Will and Grace▓s now. The maids weren▓t in to greet me at the kitchen this time. I started crying. Why did I say that to her? Oh my god, that was so fucking stupid. I knew what her answer was going to be. 

I go upstairs and I stop. ⌠Will?■ 

Will is sitting on my chair in my room. ⌠Karen, where did you go? I was worried!■ he says. I don▓t say anything. My hair is wet. It is still raining outside. I just walk up to him and kiss him. 

He is surprised at first but then he kisses back┘ 


	5. Addiction And An Accident

As much as he was enjoying it, he had to stop me. "Karen, are you sure about this?" I pulled back and wiped my mouth and turned away. "Yeah, if I wasn't sure I wouldn't of kissed you Wilma."

"You called me Wilma…"

"So? I always call you that." He sat down and looked up at me. "I figured if you actually wanted this and actually cared, you'd call me by my real name." There was a pause. I didn't know what he was going to say next. "Are you just using me to make Grace jealous? I mean, here I am thinking that all this time, you might of felt the same way for me and that all these years of looking at you was because we would amount to something. And finally, we kiss. I thought about that moment every day since I met you, Karen, and to you it was just a petty ploy to get back at my friend."

"Will, I,"

"What? You can't say that that wasn't what it was...Grace called me, Karen. I know everything."

"It's not like that, though!"

"Have fun being alone Karen."

Will stood up, grabbed his coat, and slammed the door.

I fell to my knees and started sobbing.

I knew I was at fault here. I knew that Will hit it right on the money. I knew that I should feel bad for Will, but I didn't. I just cried for myself because my plan fell through…and I fell even further away from Will, and myself…and Gracie.

I stormed to the bathroom where I opened the medicine cabinet immediately. There wasn't even fucking aspirin in there. I hadn't seen the cabinet that empty since we moved in. I let out a frustrated scream as I slammed the mirror shut. I punched the porcelain sink, and it hurt my hand more than I hurt it. I didn't know what to do. There were no pills to take. I didn't need anymore cocaine, I was still pretty stoned. My hands shook. I needed a drink.

You know when you're driving in a car, and it is really sunny out and you're passing a bunch of trees? You know how the light flashes at you and your eyes don't know where to focus? That's how I felt. Head lights and tail lights swarmed around me. City lights consumed me as my heels clicked down the pavement.

I was Karen Walker. Karen Walker doesn't get turned down. Karen Walker doesn't love, and Karen Walker most definitely doesn't get hurt. For someone who doesn't feel, I sure cry a lot. Ugh. I just needed one cut on my arm. Just a few insignificant drops of red would be sufficient. I needed a drink first. I had to numb the pain.

I stumbled into a crowded bar and ordered three martinis. They were gone within minutes. I was no light weight. I needed more than that to not feel.

The last thing I remember was Will, Jack and Grace walking into the bar…

I woke up with a pounding headache. I was in Jack's apartment. Jack was in the kitchen dancing to Madonna. "Jack? How did I get here? What's going on?" For a while I totally forgot about what I had told Grace and that I had kissed Will, and when I remembered I wanted to go right back to sleep.

Jack hurried to my side. "oh my God Karen, I was worried about you. You passed out in the taxi and Will and me had to carry you up the stairs."

I wasn't surprised. It wasn't the first time I blacked out and passed out drunk…it wasn't even the tenth time…

"What happened Jack…" I continued. I could tell by the inflection of his voice that there was something wrong. I had done something wrong… besides drinking.

"Well, Will said you were upset, and Grace agreed so they called me and we all went out looking for you. We found you completely drunk at the bar. Will came up to you and you started freaking out and telling him to get away from you. You were obviously high on something, Grace said cocaine. You started to swing, and when Grace came up to you, you, um,"

He stopped, why did he stop?

"What, Jack? What did I do?"

"You hit her in the face, pretty hard. She had a bloody nose, and I haven't seen her yet this morning, but most likely a black eye."

I covered my face with my hands. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone Jackie…" I sniveled.

"Well, you did."

"I know I did! God Jack don't you think I could get some compassion here?"

"Karen, I've always been empathetic to you, I've always been your friend and forgiven so much. I'm not going to do it anymore. If you want to go get drunk and high and beat up your friends who love you, go ahead. I'm not going to forgive you for anymore. You need to learn that some things don't just go away, and some things aren't forgivable…"

"I'm sorry…" I say.

"I'm not the one you should be saying sorry to…"

I wiped my tears and nodded. I stood up and walked across the hall and knocked gently.

Grace answered the door.

Oh God.

Her eye was swollen and dark.

She went to shut the door in my face but I stepped into it. "Grace don't be mad at me, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hit you, you have to know that I never meant to hurt you!"

"Karen, as long as you're drinking and doing god knows what drug, you're not allowed in my home."

Will walked out from his bedroom. I was looking for him to say something…anything. I was waiting for him to say, "Oh come on Grace, we can forgive her this one time…" but he didn't.

He stood next to her and I had nothing else to do but leave the room.

I got to the street and screamed.

I couldn't do it anymore.

I wasn't going to kill myself.

I once heard that those who are extreme enough to think about suicide, should be able to think of an extreme way to get out of it…whoever said that was right…

I went to the manse, packed my things, bought a car and got on the highway. I drove until the sun set. I wasn't sure where I was going. I didn't have anything but the things in my trunk and the clothes on my back. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but I was ready for it. I needed an out, and I finally realized you can't wait for that out to come along…you have to make it.


	6. Until I See Ocean

-1Sometimes the best feeling in the entire world is feeling alone. Sometimes it's the worst. Sometimes the best thing in the world is going where no on knows your name, sometimes you just want to see a familiar face. I wanted to see a sunset. I wanted to race down a lonesome country road with the top down. I wanted to dip my feet in the cool ocean. I wanted to see a mountain.

As much as I loved Manhattan's night skyline, and as much as I loved watching Grace fuss over a sketch pad, I had to see something more. I knew there was more out there and it was just waiting for me.

I pulled into a gas station at about six in the morning. I was in the middle of Illinois and more lost than a gay guy in a vagina, but I didn't care. I didn't want to know where I was. I actually pumped my own gas. When I was done I went into the store and got a little Debbie and an iced tea. I was drawn to the pay phone in the back of the store. I had some extra change, I knew I did.

"Hello?" said Grace. Her voice made me weak at the knees. "Hey Grace, it's Karen."

"Karen oh my god! Where are you? We've been worried sick!"

"Oh, I'm in Kankakee Illinois," I said, waiting for a reaction.

"Illinois!? How the hell did you get there?"

"Listen Grace, I'm just taking a vacation for awhile. I, just, I need to get away from everything. I'm not sure when I'll be back, but I will be. Listen, about what I said before I left, I didn't,"

"I know."

"I don't think you do, Gracie. It wasn't just one of my stupid clumsy come on's. I meant what I said to you. You're the first thing I want to see when I wake up and I'm always thinking about you when I fall asleep. I can't help it. I know it will never happen between us, and that's why I had to leave. I can't look at you everyday knowing how much I love you, and have it so glaringly apparent that we're only friends."

"Karen,"

"I have to go Grace." I hung up the pay phone.

My attire wasn't necessarily appropriate for country roads and farm stands. There was a thrift store in town that I ventured into. There were an old pair of jeans, kind of torn, kind of ripped, but they were my size and freakishly comfortable. I forgot what comfort was in years in an Armani suit. There was an old Chicago Cubs jersey shirt and I bought it for one dollar, as well as the jeans for 5. Not five hundred. 5. I could get used to living this way.

Honestly, the rich cold heart bitch was never me to begin with. I just had gotten so used to acting that way I started becoming that person I created. I pushed everyone away from me, even myself.

That night it was raining. I laid in my rickety hotel bed thinking about Grace, and Will and Jack. Would I ever see them again?

The next morning I called the house, hoping Grace didn't leave for work yet. "Hello?" it was Will.

"Hey Will."

"Oh Karen, hi. Grace said you called yesterday from Illinois, where are you now, Texas?"

"Kansas, actually."

"Where are you going?" he sounded kind of mad.

"I'm just going to drive until I hit ocean."

"Karen, please come home. Whatever problems you have, we can fix them, there's no need to run away."

"You said you loved me, right?"

"You know I love you."

"Then let me go…"

"Let you go? No! I will not let you go. I CANNOT let you go. If I could've let you go, you would of died in that hospital but I sat there, on your bed side praying for you to wake up, and you did."

"I just need a break from everything. Will please try and understand."

He couldn't understand though. I hung up the phone and just started to cry. I did enjoy my life back in New York for the most part. I had a decent job where I didn't do anything, I had plenty of friends and money and a beautiful home, but I wasn't really happy. Something always was missing. If it wasn't Grace, it was a child, or a quiet evening, or a pair of old jeans. I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore. I could have anything besides the one thing I truly wanted…and that was Grace.

I drove into L.A around noon two days later and when I got there, I had to call Grace. She was at work.

"Grace, hey I'm California!"

"I miss you." she said right off the bat. It kind of took me off guard.

"I miss you too."

"Come home."

I almost said, "ok, I'll catch the next flight home," but then I thought about it.

"Grace I'm not ready to come home yet."

It was silent on the other end.

"Grace, what is the most beautiful thing you could ever see. Like, if you had to look at one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?"

She thought for a minute. "I don't know, I'd have to think about it. Why what's yours?"

"You."

It was once again silent. "I'm in L.A and I'm staying at the Renaissance Hollywood Hotel. Why don't you come visit me?"

"I have work. I can't just drop everything like you Karen."

She hung up.

I just lounged in my fancy hotel room all day. I know I wasn't supposed to be spending loads of money on this trip and I hadn't been, but I wanted a nice hotel room. Hey, I was in California.

Around 5p.m I got a phone call from Jack.

"Karen! I miss you!" he screams. I loved hearing his voice. I missed my Jackie. "Hey poodle! How are ya managing without me?"

"Awful! Where the hell are you?"

We talked for three hours. The next day I sent a car to the airport to get him.

My hair was in down and it just brushed my shoulders. I had on the old jeans and a new t shirt that I collected from L.A.

Jack barely recognized me but I came behind him and gave him a huge hug.

"Karen!" he turned around and picked me up and spun me around. "You look gorgeous!"

I didn't let him go.

Sometimes being alone is the best feeling in the world, sometimes you just want someone to know your name.


End file.
